I hear my gentleman friend has started a blog. I hope he will let me know where it is so I can advertise it!
I'd really like to direct everyone to subjectify - lexi's photoportraits blog.
Zoe's Obama victory montage is gorgeous, and
Garmonic is harsh and delicate.
I've been spending a lot of time listening to the "Slow Jams" mix my friend Lowy gave me, and I realized I'd be listening to the songs and then all of a sudden get these hurt feelings from seemingly harmless sex lyrics. Lines like, "that's what keeps me coming back to you" or "now's the time I feel like making dreams come true". Lyrics like these are in a different class from obviously annoying lyrics like "If I'd have known the girl next door would have been you..." or the mundane/fabulous R. Kelly lyrics like "Baby, don't bring your girlfriend to eat cause I'm gonna flirt." No, what was happening was more personal. I started thinking about it and I realized a lot of the songs on the mix are all about how amazing and transcendent and beautiful sex is. That should have made me happy, but instead it was bothering me. There I was in high school where every element of the relationship was destructive except for the tenderness of a few sacred moments during which my relevance could not be denied. Okay, he keeps running back to me for love, but he wouldn't have to keep running back if he didn't run away in the first place. Sex was the only place without insults, meanness, and misunderstandings, so it felt like the best, most connected blissful respite. That gentle moment doesn't last - other insecurities and distances set in. This is a dynamic I would like to resist, so these songs are pushing my buttons.
Anthony Hamilton's "Charlene" isn't an example of this - its just a lovely song.
It is pleasurable to spelunk in this way. There is a lot to sort through, but its not scary. Jophet reminds me of how important the moments of our unique subjectivity are.
A long, dark car ride is on my mind. Stopping for Combos on November 4 at a convenience store on Route 4 called Mike's, I thought about the mysterious movie theater candy, "Mike 'n' Ike's". Now, when I pass by, my eyes always look for it. "Here's the Mike's where I got Combo's." A chilly evening the month before looking out the window of the dormitory, listening to the ocean. During the long, dark car ride, I didn't want to be sitting there with my eyes on the road. I felt alone in a completely new way. I wanted to be cuddled up in bed. But no such luck, because of the work schedule. This is what I mean when I say I thought I was invincible. Was I wrong? I don't know, because I wouldn't like to think I've been defeated. Today I wore a dragon fly pin and special earrings. These things adorn me and they help me remember to be calm and grateful, to remember everything, not just the sweet sad things, but also the things that are joyous, beautiful, and actually better today than they were in 2003. I don't need everything to be better, but its all right to admit that some things are.
