Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Two Friends Stories on Double X!


I came for Beth Schwartzapfel, I stayed for Audrey Bethel! This was an amazing coincidence because these two friends don't know each other. It reminded me of my first solo trip to the NEC Libriary in good ol' Henniker, where I happened to be flipping through a feminist reader and found an essay by Jessica within its pages!

Saturday, October 24, 2009


This is a still from the movie my Miami friends John and Hanan made about the bellydancing troupe Hanan started in Cuba! I haven't seen it yet. I think its called House of Arabs...not sure what the title's all about.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Don't you know me, Bloomsburg?


I'm the new Berlin Wall! Try to tear me down!

I got up at 5 again today. I took Maude's advice and greeted the dawn with a breath of fire. We had a lecture today from our classmate who started as a first year last year but ended up taking part of the year off because he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He spent the hour giving us an elegant, thorough, and personal presentation of the embryology, innervation, vasculature, pathophysiology, and history of his cancer. He walked us through every step of its diagnosis and treatment, including the surgical notes from his procedure and a graphic video about it - laparoscopic retroperitoneal lymph node dissection. Finally, he told us how much of a difference it made to him that he was here as a part of a small medical community, and we should never forget that we could actually wake up tomorrow and be diagnosed with cancer. He asked us to consider how we would feel about how we had spent the last several weeks if that happened. This message, which I might have dismissed as child's play just a few months ago, came at a very important time for me. I have continued to prod myself with worries that I would have been happier at Evergreen, and just yesterday I felt a really clear breakthrough about it. I thought about how many years of my life, important formative years, I have spent here in Central PA, and how radically changed the course of my life has been by the time I have spent here. I felt that this place is here for me as much as any other, offering me as much as any other, and I don't want to take it for granted. More importantly, I want to feel open to all that is here for me, embrace it, and thrive. I felt blessed in this purpose by Hedwig, whose child lover sang these words to us this morning as I drove to school:

Forgive me,
For I did not know.
'Cause I was just a boy
And you were so much more

Than any god could ever plan,
More than a woman or a man.
And now I understand how much I took from you:
That, when everything starts breaking down,
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town
something beautiful and new.

You think that Luck
Has left you there.
But maybe there's nothing
up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.
There's nothing you can find
that can not be found.
'Cause with all the changes
you've been through
It seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new
Wicked little town.

So when you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
Oh it's a wicked, little town.
Goodbye, wicked little town.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


I went to a talk today called "Baryshnikov and Bohr: The Biochemistry of Ballet". The first slide was "Oranges" by Ellsworth Kelly. "When you think of a cell, what is the first thing that comes to mind?" A circle. A semipermeable phospholipid bilayer. The cell membrane gathers together the components necessary for life and maintains their appropriate concentrations so life can continue. How wonderful! How wonderful to imagine our predecessors, little vesicles of the components necessary for life. And when enough of these cells came to be, they began to interact just as the components necessary for life interacted. They touched membranes; they opened and closed to each other. If it were not for the membrane - the best boundary of all, proof that boundaries are necessary and life-giving, boundaries say YES AND NO - water, carbon, nucleotides, phosphate compounds, everything necessary for life would just be scattered to the winds in random concentrations! We couldn't even get started. This little bubble of fat gathered up a mouthful of its surroundings and created a little environment, a little womb, a little home, a little safe space, protected for just a moment from the randomness outside. The point was not to hide away in fear or solitude from the environment outside. The point was to interact, to exchange, to be penetrated by and secrete into the environment outside from a point of strength and just the right amount of structure. Now we are cathedrals of those tiny microenvironments, and we interact just as the components necessary for life interacted. We touch membranes, we open and close to each other.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009




Pablo and Marek met Sandino's grandson, Walter, at the 2009 NicaNet East Coast Conference on the Streets of Baltimore!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Favorite Poems from High School

To Be of Use

Marge Piercy

The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.



Ego Tripping

Nikki Giovanni



I was born in the Congo.

I walked to the Fertile Crescent and built the sphinx.

I designed a pyramid so tough that a star

that only glows every one hundred years falls

into the center giving divine perfect light.



I am bad.



I sat on the throne

drinking nectar with Allah.

I got hot and sent an ice age to Europe

to cool my thirst.

My oldest daughter is Nefertiti.

The tears from my birth pains

created the Nile.



I am a beautiful woman.



I gazed on the forest and burned

out the Sahara desert.

With a packet of goat's meat

and a change of clothes,

I crossed it in two hours.

I am a gazelle so swift,

so swift you can't catch me.



For a birthday present when he was three,

I gave my son Hannibal an elephant.

He gave me Rome for mother's day.



My strength flows ever on.



My son Noah built an ark and

I stood proudly at the helm

as we sailed on a soft summer day.

I turned myself into myself and was Jesus.



Men intone my loving name.

All praises all praises,

I am the one who would save.



I sowed diamonds in my back yard.

My bowels deliver uranium.

The filings from my fingernails are

semi-precious jewels.



On a trip north,

I caught a cold and blew

my nose giving oil to the Arab world.

I am so hip even my errors are correct.

I sailed west to reach east and had to round off

the earth as I went.

The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid

across three continents.



I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal.

I cannot be comprehended except by my permission.

I mean...I...can fly

like a bird in the sky...



In Celebration of My Uterus

BY ANNE SEXTON

Everyone in me is a bird.
I am beating all my wings.
They wanted to cut you out
but they will not.
They said you were immeasurably empty
but you are not.
They said you were sick unto dying
but they were wrong.
You are singing like a school girl.
You are not torn.

Sweet weight,
in celebration of the woman I am
and of the soul of the woman I am
and of the central creature and its delight
I sing for you. I dare to live.
Hello, spirit. Hello, cup.
Fasten, cover. Cover that does contain.
Hello to the soil of the fields.
Welcome, roots.

Each cell has a life.
There is enough here to please a nation.
It is enough that the populace own these goods.
Any person, any commonwealth would say of it,
“It is good this year that we may plant again
and think forward to a harvest.
A blight had been forecast and has been cast out.”
Many women are singing together of this:
one is in a shoe factory cursing the machine,
one is at the aquarium tending a seal,
one is dull at the wheel of her Ford,
one is at the toll gate collecting,
one is tying the cord of a calf in Arizona,
one is straddling a cello in Russia,
one is shifting pots on the stove in Egypt,
one is painting her bedroom walls moon color,
one is dying but remembering a breakfast,
one is stretching on her mat in Thailand,
one is wiping the ass of her child,
one is staring out the window of a train
in the middle of Wyoming and one is
anywhere and some are everywhere and all
seem to be singing, although some can not
sing a note.

Sweet weight,
in celebration of the woman I am
let me carry a ten-foot scarf,
let me drum for the nineteen-year-olds,
let me carry bowls for the offering
(if that is my part).
Let me study the cardiovascular tissue,
let me examine the angular distance of meteors,
let me suck on the stems of flowers
(if that is my part).
Let me make certain tribal figures
(if that is my part).
For this thing the body needs
let me sing
for the supper,
for the kissing,
for the correct
yes.


The Ballad Of The Lonely Masturbator
Anne Sexton


The end of the affair is always death.
She's my workshop. Slippery eye,
out of the tribe of myself my breath
finds you gone. I horrify
those who stand by. I am fed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Finger to finger, now she's mine.
She's not too far. She's my encounter.
I beat her like a bell. I recline
in the bower where you used to mount her.
You borrowed me on the flowered spread.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Take for instance this night, my love,
that every single couple puts together
with a joint overturning, beneath, above,
the abundant two on sponge and feather,
kneeling and pushing, head to head.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

I break out of my body this way,
an annoying miracle. Could I
put the dream market on display?
I am spread out. I crucify.
My little plum is what you said.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Then my black-eyed rival came.
The lady of water, rising on the beach,
a piano at her fingertips, shame
on her lips and a flute's speech.
And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

She took you the way a woman takes
a bargain dress off the rack
and I broke the way a stone breaks.
I give back your books and fishing tack.
Today's paper says that you are wed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Monday, October 19, 2009

For Alice B. Toklas



The Autumn bush clover's
Under-leaves are colouring
From this point on,
For one all alone
Will sleep be harder to find?

Anonymous


Between the trees
Drips moonlight,
seeing it I know
Heart draining
Autumn has come at last.

Anonymous


Chrysanthemums in Autumn:
While they shine
I'll wear them in my hair,
For sooner than the flowers'
May come my ending.

Tsurayuki


Ever my tears
Fall with the showers;
At my ancient home,
The lustre of the Autumn leaves
Is deepest of all.

Ise
Class was postponed by one hour this morning, so I had the luxury of turning off my alarm on a school day, sitting down with my breakfast, listening to music and drinking my morning coffee at home. It feels so different and good. Even though we just had a long weekend, my mind has been asking for time to stop. These little moments of calm help me accept that it will keep going, no matter what I do.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dreamed of hanging out with Zoe and Luca last night. It was still in the apartment, you were holding hands. It was very nice and made me miss you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This Buster posted on facebook gave me some nice moments of childlike wonder. Also, I've been enjoying reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart. I'm resisting the urge to concretize. Actually, its been a really really long time since I've concretized.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


The reunion that made me consider believing in God.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

This evening Moondog and I went for a walk and even though I had been feeling good when I left the house, after just a few steps I could feel the tension rising inside me. I spent the walk trying to talk myself down, and still ended up crying on the edge of the woods. I looked around and felt the emptiness of everything around me, of me. The longer I looked at it the more deeply I understood how we are responsible for making the meaning in our lives. Remembering this seemed to let things pop out at me - a little bird hopping in the grass, Bonnie's kindness across the street, the old neighbor couple.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Its about that time of year when I long for Velvet Goldmine again. Maybe its the way autumn makes you romanticize the past. Visions of Jack Fairy and a green jewel that fell out of a satellite of gay love into Oscar Wilde's Moses basket are dancing through my head. Tonight we toast the Death of Glitter!

"You know, if you're gonna claim that you're gay you're gonna have to make love in gay style, and half of these kids just aren't gonna make it. "

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Soliciting exciting summer ideas. Group projects especially encouraged.


A toy designer has created a process for people to dry and tan their own placentas to make them into one of a kind teddy bears for their children. This could be a sincere idea, a way for the child to continue her relationship with her "little sibling", as the placenta is called in several Southeast Asian cultures. It could also be wonderfully creepy, especially if you put it in a glass jar like a Mutter Museum specimen.

I watched a goat at Farm and Wilderness eating her placenta when I was little. It was mesmerizing and nauseating to watch her dutifully choke down that cold, slimy, bloody, rubbery pile of flesh and membranes. Now my opinion is: just eat it, people! You only live once! What's so disgusting about it, really! Just take one bite!

Friday, October 2, 2009