Last night Mama Gurevich, Betty Ann, and I watched Elegy. For me it was like watching a thriller - I found myself thinking, "Its okay - you don't live in that world. Don't worry, your world is different." What world was I so scared of? A world where feminine beauty is a man's heartbreaking, life-giving heroin, and the women cursed to bear it are slighted, injured, and destroyed because they are so desperately needed. But this is my world. The only difference between my life and relationships and the ones depicted in Elegy is the element of prettiness. It seems like for some men that feminine prettiness is the intoxicating difference. But for many, the prettiness is not necessary. Something else about femininity, maybe a comfort, a perception of freedom or ease in the world, vulnerability and openness, maybe that is what is so maddening for possessive boys. But that has nothing to do with prettiness. I wonder why they are connected for most people.

I liked watching this movie with Mama Gurevich, because she kept saying things like, "Look at the fear in his eyes..." and "Isn't she great?!" These two beautiful actors gave performances in the way that frangipani petals seethe their fragrance into the air.

You better believe it.

Thank you for our beautiful Ostara, Zoe my love!

Let there be joy in the cold and the dying
The seeds of new life are born on the winter wind

Silvio Rodriguez - Mariposas.mp3 -


I just listened to Chemlawn talking about how she got her name - my heart was beating fast hearing that lovely voice talking about the bratty hippies and everyone giving her lawn signs...I think my favorite part was your slight discomfort at "chemi" which sounds too much like kimmie. Perhaps that's why Seth is partial to Chem. What ever happened to Autozone and Cash'n'Carry? My heart reached out for you and for our daily togetherness, polka parties and tooth-brushing. Just when I decided to write something about you I saw the lines yous had added to your pinata foto, another gift from Silvio, another gift from you.

"yo ni te miro, para que duermas y no te vayas."

I can be so afraid of losing her that I don't move. She seems beautiful enough to me that I can barely believe she has come to me. I don't trust our love. I don't move, I don't even turn my head to gaze at her because anything too direct might scare her away. I desire her desperately but in truth, I am paralyzed. At first I was just amazed, honored by this window-sill visit. It was enough, but soon I began to feel like I couldn't live without her. Now I have to live without her. It is better this way, but when I hear those words I remember what my life felt like when she was by my side.

Just this morning I listened to the music of Jim and Jesse while walking to school - songs about welding and swimming and learning new things. It was the perfect way to begin Spring.

Soon Zoe and I will begin our Ostara ritual - hopefully passers by will think we are worshipping Satan - the horned Goat-God of the Earth. For his part, Sivasi is celebrating with loved ones and a particularly cute little child, a new life.

Once, in Denise's yoga class at At Om we were all doing shoulder stands. She kept saying the word "dilate". I was in a trance and I felt like my cells were opening and separating and lifting off my body into the air. Then the air seemed like ocean water and I saw all our legs drifting in the water like seaweed growing from the ocean floor. I saw us all as quietly undulating sea-vegetables with the same underground roots. I like to think of us that way now.

Happy Nowruz and Vernal Equinox!

An auspicious time to sprout!