What have I done to deserve this!!

This afternoon Almodovar and I renewed our vows in a lavish Catholic ceremony. Carmen Maura was the maid of honor and Chus Lampreave presided. I wore a torn white dress and he, the red bolero costume of the matador. After all these years, I still feel that he completely understands me and expresses my philosophy of life with dizzying accuracy.

How do you hold the Ocean in your hands?

Maya Angelou wrote that as a child she became aware that women were dismissed as changeable and unable to make up their minds about anything. She so feared and resented this that she became determined never to change her mind, even when it was clear that she was wrong or when her stubbornness was causing problems in her relationships.

What is so bad about being able to see a situation from different perspectives? Why is that a sign of weakness? It is because we could be too easily fooled, taken advantage of. What is an advantage? It is letting someone else gain a vantage of our private parts outside of the holy institution of wedlock. So we have been cultivated out of the notion that the feminine mind cannot be objective because it is too easily swayed. If he talks to us just right we might let him get away with anything. That is why masculinity has developed itself as the Protector of both women and of Truth. Someone has to come in and say things like Good and Evil. Someone has to tell us what we really want, in spite of our selves. Otherwise words would have no meaning because definitions would be shifting all the time. Boundaries would be shifting all the time. Strange men could have their way with us because we are not capable of protecting our own orifices. Our father doesn't want to admit it, but it could happen to him, too. That is why he spends so much time guarding us. He also has an orifice. The line between inside him and outside him, between self and Other could be softened. We could all regress to seeing ourselves as an interconnected series of Motherchild units. He can't build a society on those shifting sands. Furthermore, his Institutions have to be guarded against those temptations.

Children of Men

Feeling very keenly the lack of feminine film directors in my life. Of the narratives I enjoy the most, their very subject seems to be masculinity - Men on dignified Quests and journeys, men proving themSelves, men showing RESTRAINT. Staying cool, maintaining some level of emotional detachment, not getting "carried away" not getting "hysterical", not being "too quick to pull the trigger" - it is a performance of sexual endurance. In order to inspire a sense of admiration/inadequacy/desire in men and to encourage the admiration/desire/self-hating split subjectivity of women, he has to show that no matter how you tempt him or push his buttons, he can hold back until exactly the right moment.
I made a list a while back of my favorite stories, and it turned out that not only were the main characters overwhelmingly male, there were very few female characters even marginally present. The recurring theme was moral integrity in the face of moral decrepitude and the main characters all exhibited tremendous restraint. The best example of this was "Chushingura - the Treasury of Loyal Retainers", a Japanese play in which the main character, a Ronin whose master was unjustly forced to commit sebuku, avenges his master by living for twelve years as a whoring drunk, deceiving even his own wife and children, in order to lull his enemy into a false sense of security. His enemies are very suspicious for the first few years. On one anniversary of his master's death, his enemy pays him a visit and treats him to a plate of squid. This presents a grievous dilemma to the main character. Both he and his enemy know that to eat seafood on the anniversary of his master's death goes against the code by which a Samurai swears to live. However, if he refuses the squid, his enemy will know he is still loyal to his dead master, and all chance of vengeance will be lost. So he lifts the squid to his lips and eats it. Later, when the moment of release he has worked so hard for finally arrives, he bitterly recalls the seafood as he drives his sword through the body of his enemy.

Consider also the great restraint of a young Al Pacino in the Godfather. He makes a calculating hero whose every move is dictated by a strict moral code. To emphasize his superior masculinity, he is set at odds with a privileged young hothead who loses control too easily. So in addition to proving his sexual virility, his restraint, his cool makes him stable and solid. Not easily influenced or swayed. The kind of man upon whom the pillars of society could be built. He is austere and steady, and does not exhibit any feminine markers of excess or caprice.

I pride myself on being able to see things from many different angles. I can take many different Positions - I am Flexible. This is the feminine strength that has been mangled into curse, this broad perspective. Why does this translate into vulnerability? Did you ever notice how when a woman gets hit on screen the physical implications, the noise, the music, the blood are all more significant than when a man gets hit? You cringe more. You feel more anxiety when she walks alone, as if her very bones could crumble under your fist. Women are walking targets - always already weakened. Al Pacino, on the other hand, can take a punch. He sees the world in black and white and you don't want to be on the wrong side of that line. This is why half a million Iraqi children died from sanctions even before this war started - this war that will be five years old next week.