Happy Birthday, Dear dear Cemplank! I love you and don't know what I'd do without you.

Happy Birthday, Grille.

We still use this language because we understand the need to learn our history, to know where we came from. But every word hurts, every word cuts into the unity. When we came here, when we came together, we decided we would only use words once the sun went down and we were in quieter mindspaces. During the day we call moan and sing to each other to express ourselves. We also touch each other with greater or less pressure to communicate our ideas. At the end of the night, when we are done using words, we wail in grief for all the cuts and scrapes into the unity. Our deep sorrow shows us that the unity is never really damaged, so then we sleep and rest peacefully. When the next day begins, our minds are clear that we are One.

The sun sometimes has rays like cocks and we think of it as masculine. Other times it is a circle, the shape of pussy lips held open, the shape of an opening, so we think of it as feminine. It shifts and changes as it goes through its lifespan, so we worship it.

We decided that running water made people too greedy, so we carry all of our water now. We don't use towels, either. It is too precious and shimmering to be covered in water - we let it stay there and feel it on our skin until the lifespan of water on our skin comes to its end.

We still embrace, but we changed the embrace. We hold onto each other for a little while and then when we let go we look in each other's eyes and share a moment of grief that everything our senses will ever experience will be taken from us. Then we share a moment of wild ecstasy that everything our senses will ever experience will be taken from us.

There is a famous battle story that we tell some nights. A young girl came to us for help. She was running away from a marriage into which she had been forced. The husband got all his men together and they came with guns. We understand that violence in the assertion of boundaries is a method of maintaining Homeostasis. We have certain advantages in this type of attack, being on our home turf. Four precious sisthers were killed. We captured the husband and one of his men and this is what we did:

We all gathered around them in a circle. They were in the middle of the circle. It took about a hundred times until they stopped trying to run away. We were all sitting down, rooting down. Then everyone in the community went around and said something we loved about those two men, and even the girl said her piece. There are so many of us, it took a few days to get through it all. The men were crying - maybe they were bored to tears! After that, they were too vulnerable to let them go back to the murder-as-entertainment world. In those situations, we keep them with us and feed them and invite them to join us in a transitional capacity.

For years after that, it was the fashion among the adorners to make bangles and necklaces with four beads representing the dead sisthers and two beads representing the two men, all together on a suture representing the unity.

We consider the beginning of agriculture to be the beginning of violence against women, but we are wondering if we can grow out of that. So we still have cows and goats and geese around - it is brutal and violent. We work together. We don't grow very much grain, so we are all becoming more feral. But we all love to work and the work feels good. We love to keep our calves with us and let them suckle at our breasts as much as they want, and we bring our babies over to us and all the different kinds of mothers spend time together and consider each other. We all show each other our different kinds of calves and babies and goslings - we are all proud mamas, so it is easier to share our gifts.

Some of us are concerned that we shouldn't cut into Mother Earth at all. Some of us think violence is everywhere and Mother knows that. We learn from the trespasses made against us. Also, penetration feels good sometimes. We don't need to use words to communicate about this particular issue. As a compromise, we are working only with our hands if there is a green thing we would like to grow or grow and eat.

Old habits die hard. We noticed early on that the young ones want to be desired. Now we raise them up to learn that their bodies are made of desire. That is what we call each other at night - Desire. When we get shot through with an electromagnetic spanda of jealousy, we immediately make a small group - whoever is around, and we just stop what we are doing and sit together in silence, or moaning. We know that this tactic means "Meyou are a lucky one, Sufferer! Shed your light on meyou, cover us in the mud of your anger, the fecund soil of your sorrow!" Often this passion inspires intense tenderness for Suffererdesire, and we cover her in kisses. It presents an opportunity for Suffererdesire to basically get fucked out of her bad mood. We mud wrestle and pull each other's raiments off, run our fingers through each other's hair and fuck. Our bodies smell like sex and low tide - it's incredible. These feelings of passion create the thought-waves of bondage, they increase our investment in one another and in life. Our bodies vibrate with joy, oneness, honesty, transience. It is dangerous and sensitive, so afterwards we walk together to bathe and meditate.

On our farthest field a wild turkey has a nest. When we ride the motorcycle up there she squawks at us and we wail, "MOTHERHOOD IS POWERFUL!"

On the ledges by the island in the cove the seals come up to rest and sunbathe. When we take the canoe out to get mussels, the females bark at us. They fan out to protect the young ones. That is when we cry, "MOTHERHOOD IS COMMUNAL WORK!"

Under the clear cold ocean water lie the sea urchins. When we pick them up their spines move gently, their little pussylips kiss our palms, looking for information, wondering without anxiety if they are safe or in danger. This experience is extremely important, because we feel so powerful, so connected, our hearts are bursting and we scream, "INTERSPECIES LOVE IS ILLUMINATION!"

The other day I started reading Desire: The Tantric Path to Awakening by Daniel Odier. I don't have it with me right now, so I can't quote it, but it's been giving me crazy-wisdom dreams. There are a few things I'd like to write about it.
- Frank (not the cadaver) vs me in our approaches to life and meditation: Frank is the Zen type, I am the Shambhala type.
- Me as a vector/figure for awakening the senses.
-Ralu saying some of the most interesting relationships are short lived, like the person on the dance floor at jackie 60.
- My troubles and discomfort don't come from the fact that life isn't how I want it to be deep in my heart. They come from the fact that life is that way, but I'm not allowing myself to fully recognize it.

After reading an article in which Lady Gaga said "I want to strap a penis onto my vagina" or something like that, I dreamed that Hugh and I were dancing in a kitchen somewhere and he whispered in my ear, "I've been thinking about it." I said, "You should go for it!" So he had this surgery done where he had a tiny vagina opened into his perineum.

Then last night I dreamed I was on a bed with a sister figure from my childhood, her baby who was around the age of 8 months or so, and a man who was the husband of some other woman. In the middle of the night I was awakened (in my dream) as if called by a higher purpose, and I very directly and without a single moment of nervous faltering, initiated what can only be called an orgy between us three adults. This was intermixed with some of the most intense and deeply satisfying baby cooing and cuddling I have ever experienced, and though the sensual directness and joy of these moments were very connected and unified, there was a clear delineation between the interactions with the adults and those with the baby. In the morning of my dream, society set in and was very angry with me for having sex with a married man. The era became the 1800's and I was in a small coastal Canadian town. The townspeople were setting out to lynch me and I was on the lam. I was also fluidly switching between being a man and being a woman as I ran and hid from the mob.

I felt you coming, girl, as you drew near.
I knew you'd find me cause I longed you here.
Are you my destiny? Is this how you'll appear,
Wrapped in a coat with a tear in your eye?
Take that coat, babe, throw it on the floor.
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?

As you've been moving surely toward me,
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed.
So I've sat and I've watched an ice age thaw-r
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?

I exist in a world where the pulsing sap fills the trees with passion and they reach their branches out to me, calling these lyrics. The snow balancing on a tall branch glitters like an aerialist and then dives toward the earth, longing to delight my eyes.

You have Me.

Dear Zoe, I hope this cheers you up.
Love,
Len

I have you.

Thank you, dearly Rosa. You always know how to cheer me up. Little moments of beauty all around.

"It's opening you to your world and you feel a tremendous tenderness for everything."

Eyes and lips seem brighter. This cadaver's name is Frank. The past two labs we've done things to his head that aren't fit to repeat here, but suffice it to say we're on the inside. I ran my fingers over his smooth teeth. Frank. Lab makes my body rebel, it makes me assert myself as alive. It gives me a painful and nauseating hunger. I was overcome looking at my professor's necklace as she explained the pterygoid ganglion to another group of students. Just then, I felt two hands on my shoulders and turned around to see Ben, smiling brightly. We each carry around so much history. I overheard someone say, "You look so beautiful! You must be a woman in your thirties!" I thought I was defiled before, but I keep getting more and more defiled, fuller and fuller of experiences stretching and pulling and tugging and shredding. It fills me with anxiety to hang onto it, but when I let it go I am an explosive river, Saraswati overflowing her banks. I don't have innocent optimism, but I do have a tremendous tenderness for everything.

Kitty Wales

Rosa hadn't heard of Kitty Wells, but he introduced me (literally) to Kitty Wales.

Dear Diary,

Instead of writing in my journal, here goes:

Saturday, watched the train go slowly by while the pigeons of White River Junction flew overhead.

Two nights ago, I dreamed of you, Zoe. You had designed a special contraption for looking at people so it placed them in the room with red curtains from Twin Peaks. I knew you had made it and you asked me how I knew. I said of course I can tell everything you make, because I just can. I believe this to be true in real life, as well.

I've been thinking about bonsai. I am drawn to things that keep me in place, but I agree with you, it's probably not a good idea. I don't want it to be a symbol of love only to let it die because I want to visit a friend for a precious long weekend. On the other hand, I am drawn to it, and I like to follow myself where I want to go. I like to accompany myself there. I go there alone.

So I stopped to look at bonsai trees. I decided to wait. After I left, I noticed that the whole landscape looked like a bonsai tree. Angular and curved and balanced.

Then I had two intense up flares of jealousy. Was I tremoring? Or just caffeinated?

I feel so many things throughout the course of one day. I can't deal with it all on my own! I have to talk about it, I can't just let it sit there...can love and friendship help with that? Does anyone really want to hear it, to help with it? Can anyone really handle it? Is anyone else like that?

After class I took a walk with a friend and then went to a workshop about helping people make a plan to quit smoking. There were a bunch of people there who smoke and were willing to let us practice smoking counseling with them. My classmate and I ended up with a young woman I often see outside the med school smoking. It was amazing to talk to her! She totally wants to quit! She's moving to NC to start an MD/PhD program this summer.

After zooming home for just a few minutes of QT with Moondog, who has been so charming and loveable (grabbable) lately, I drove to the hospital for an OB/Gyn skills night. We split up in two groups, then spent half the evening with an ARNP and an OB who I worked with at the Feminist Health Center talking about contraceptives and abortion, and half the evening in the Birthing Pavilion with a midwife and a nurse midwifery student talking about how babies come out. My classmates asked me a lot of questions after each session, and it felt good to recognize how much I carry with me. It was also amazing to see the raw emotion in my classmates, male and female, as we talked about water birth, placenta-eating, fetal monitoring and ultrasounds. It was a loaded conversation and I ended up continuing it on the phone with one of them after I got home. Our deepest, scariest desires for ourselves and our lives come through in everyday interactions. It takes daily maintenance to stay clear, alert, to keep it all moving. It takes introspection, calm, support, friendship.

With this on my mind, I thought back to Jay-Z's 100th problem. What does it mean to have girl problems? What does it mean to need love?

I heard this poem today and felt transported into its world.

Something Else
by Nin Andrews

Sometimes you say I'm something else,
and you mean I'm good, really good,
but honey, don't say that, please?
Reminds me how my dad used to say,
I'm just not myself today.
As if he were some kind of imposter dad.
Then he'd ask things like:
Why don't you go play with James?
Has the dog had his walk yet?
Will you kindly get out of my cotton-pickin' hair?
Sometimes he'd come home from work
carrying his hat and a brown paper bag,
and I'd know he wasn't my dad.
There were at least three daddies then,
sort of like daddy A, B, and C.
Like that TV show. Which will it be,
bachelor number 1, 2, or 3?
My mom often said he wasn't the man
she married. And I thought about that.
How, when they married,
I wasn't me, either. I wasn't anyone.
I didn't like to dwell on that.
It kind of gave me the creeps,
but I liked to ask,
Were you really in love then?
Of course, she'd say.
Did you hold hands?
Yes.
Kiss in public? Sit on his lap?
Yes, yes, I did all that. Once.
She even showed me photos
she kept in her lingerie drawer
beneath her slips and silky things
she never wore anymore: him
in his spats and slick-shined hair,
her in a pink crinoline cocktail dress
with her long bangs clipped back
in pearly barrettes. Not a thought
in her head, except maybe
Don't I look swell? And
Love me. And he did.
Did he say so?
He said it every day.
He was something else back then.

The panel was a complete success. I'm really proud of it!

Download All Creatures for free from Sherman Arts.

His lunch with Eartha Kitt...
Thank you, dear Alice B.!

Met756Val

Methionine


Valine

Both of these amino acids are nonpolar and neutral, but valine is more hydrophobic than methionine and that could cause a change in protein function.

FAMILY/ The Italian Doctors Are Mutating The Gene In a Dish

All proteins are long chains of amino acids. An amino acid, in general, looks like this:



The "R" in a box represents the variable group. Differences in the R group are how we get the twenty-two standard amino acids we use to make the proteins in our body that are responsible for every thing from muscles to the channels in the membranes of neurons that allow us to think and move.

The NH2 shown on the left is an amine group, and the COOH shown on the right is a carboxylic acid group - this is how the amino acid got its name. When you line the carboxylic acid end (C terminus) of one amino acid up with the amine end (N terminus) of another amino acid, an OH comes off of the carboxylic acid, and an H comes off of the amine. The OH and the H come together to form water, and what's left of the carboxylic acid and the amine come together to form the peptide bond, like this:



Our genes/DNA are what give the protein manufacturing infrastructure in our cells the information for what particular amino acids to string together to make the very specific proteins we need for every biological task we carry out. The string of amino acids, held together by peptide bonds, that make up a particular protein is referred to as its primary structure. More complex interactions between the amino acids allow proteins to have secondary, tertiary, and quaternary structure, as well, so one chain of amino acids can fold itself up into an intricate shape.

Many of the important protein structures in our body are made of several individual proteins interacting. (This interaction is the definition of quaternary structure.) This is the case for the hERG protein, a potassium ion channel that allows the heart to end each heartbeat and get ready for the next at an appropriate rate and rhythm. That process in the heartbeat can be called ventricular repolarization, and on an ECG it is referred to as the QT interval:



The KCNH2 gene is the location on the DNA map that tells the protein manufacturing infrastructure in our cells how to make the largest part of the hERG potassium channel. Different mutations in this gene can cause the QT interval to be either too long, lasting more than 430 milliseconds (Long QT sydrome, specifically LQT2) or too short, lasting less than 300 ms (Short QT syndrome, specifically SQT1). Long QT syndrome is more common than Short QT syndrome. Which one does our Chemical's family have?

SQT1 is caused by replacing the amino acid asparagine in position 588 in the chain with the amino acid lysine. The big difference between these amino acids is that asparagine is neutral, not positively or negatively charged, while lysine is positively charged. The images below don't show where the charge is. I haven't figured that out yet.


asparagine


lysine

The differences in charge and shape between these two amino acids change the way the long chain is able to fold. This one change in primary structure ends up changing the secondary, tertiary, and quaternary levels of structure in the entire hERG potassium channel. Just like everything else in life, a change in structure is also a change in function. For SQT syndrome, this change results in a faster passage of potassium through the channel out of the cardiac cell - a gain of function - that makes the ventricles able to contract before they have enough time to fill with blood.

There seem to be multiple mutations between positions 35 and 36 on chromosome 7 that can cause LQT2. These mutations cause a loss of function in the hERG potassium channel, reducing the rate at which potassium can leave the cell. This makes the ventricles unable to contract when they should because they take too long getting back to their baseline potassium levels.

Food Chain Erina Matsui

I love Shrimp Chili Erina Matsui

Guy Pearce

From Priscilla...


to The Road.

Conversation Between Selves

You are best and brightest when you are happy for the triumph of a friend.
I see this in your photograph. You are holding the bouquet you caught.

You are best and brightest when you are listening to the pain of others.
I see it in their eyes. You make them believe they are strong.

You are best and brightest when you are taking enormous risks.
I see you hold the photograph up to your face. You are wondering if it is really you.

I've still never seen Zooey Deschanel in a movie so I don't know if she can act, and I've never heard Joseph Gordon Leavitt sing, but this video proves that they both can dance.

Dear Julie

Back in Bloomsburg and feeling much better than I ever expected. I am not alone - the Shrew is here with me, shrieking at me to keep carrying the fire, to keep absorbing and spewing truths. Here is a sensitive little project by Miranda July so you won't let me or anyone fade into the background.