Dear Diary,

Instead of writing in my journal, here goes:

Saturday, watched the train go slowly by while the pigeons of White River Junction flew overhead.

Two nights ago, I dreamed of you, Zoe. You had designed a special contraption for looking at people so it placed them in the room with red curtains from Twin Peaks. I knew you had made it and you asked me how I knew. I said of course I can tell everything you make, because I just can. I believe this to be true in real life, as well.

I've been thinking about bonsai. I am drawn to things that keep me in place, but I agree with you, it's probably not a good idea. I don't want it to be a symbol of love only to let it die because I want to visit a friend for a precious long weekend. On the other hand, I am drawn to it, and I like to follow myself where I want to go. I like to accompany myself there. I go there alone.

So I stopped to look at bonsai trees. I decided to wait. After I left, I noticed that the whole landscape looked like a bonsai tree. Angular and curved and balanced.

Then I had two intense up flares of jealousy. Was I tremoring? Or just caffeinated?

I feel so many things throughout the course of one day. I can't deal with it all on my own! I have to talk about it, I can't just let it sit there...can love and friendship help with that? Does anyone really want to hear it, to help with it? Can anyone really handle it? Is anyone else like that?

After class I took a walk with a friend and then went to a workshop about helping people make a plan to quit smoking. There were a bunch of people there who smoke and were willing to let us practice smoking counseling with them. My classmate and I ended up with a young woman I often see outside the med school smoking. It was amazing to talk to her! She totally wants to quit! She's moving to NC to start an MD/PhD program this summer.

After zooming home for just a few minutes of QT with Moondog, who has been so charming and loveable (grabbable) lately, I drove to the hospital for an OB/Gyn skills night. We split up in two groups, then spent half the evening with an ARNP and an OB who I worked with at the Feminist Health Center talking about contraceptives and abortion, and half the evening in the Birthing Pavilion with a midwife and a nurse midwifery student talking about how babies come out. My classmates asked me a lot of questions after each session, and it felt good to recognize how much I carry with me. It was also amazing to see the raw emotion in my classmates, male and female, as we talked about water birth, placenta-eating, fetal monitoring and ultrasounds. It was a loaded conversation and I ended up continuing it on the phone with one of them after I got home. Our deepest, scariest desires for ourselves and our lives come through in everyday interactions. It takes daily maintenance to stay clear, alert, to keep it all moving. It takes introspection, calm, support, friendship.

With this on my mind, I thought back to Jay-Z's 100th problem. What does it mean to have girl problems? What does it mean to need love?