The House of Cards

Confidence is the bliss that arises when I am ignorant of life's instability.
Arrogance is the performance I give when I am crippled by self-doubt.
Crippled, but not paralyzed.
Arrogance is the Fireworks of my self.
I gently place Doubt in her little rocking chair for a while. Then I hit the stage and dazzle the audience with my wild pirouettes, my hip gyrations and barefoot stomps.
Let me see that thong!
Doubt is my Daughter and I dance to support our small family. I can't imagine my life without her. I've made some sacrifices but our lives are full and good.
Regret is the child I chose not to have - she never came fully into being, but she comes to land on my finger every once in a while. She flutters her powdery wings and makes me feel sharp feelings. Then she goes and I move on with my life.
Then its just me and Doubt. We hold hands and walk around and around the duck pond. She looks cute in her little dress.
We go to a rocky place where there is no duck shit. I let go of her hand, we shed our clothes and jump into the clear water. First, the colors are vivid and exhilarating. Then, we climb up on the rocks for a picnic. My sweet little Doubt is by my side and everything feels peaceful, manageable, as it should be. Doubt asks me if its okay for her to jump in the water again. I say, "Of course, but just for a few minutes because the sun is going down and its getting chilly."
We jump in again and laugh and play until I decide its time to go home.
But Doubt isn't done playing. Her teeth are chattering and her perfect little lips are turning blue, but she still won't get out of the water.
What should I do?

"Doubt, remember our agreement?" She doesn't remember.

"Doubt, baby, please cooperate with me. I don't want to fight with you." She doesn't cooperate.

"Doubt, you have two choices. You can either come with me right now and we'll watch Rikki Tikki Tavi when we get home, or I can come over there and get you and you'll go straight to bed. Its your choice, Doubt. Which one is it?" She doesn't come quietly.

I wade over to my shivering little daughter and pick her up. She begins to kick and wail.
"I hate you!" she screams.

I know that in her mind, what the two of us should do is stay in the water forever. We would leave our real lives behind and become two silkies.

Sometimes I catch her daydreaming and I know she is under water. I tell myself that we aren't silkies, we would have drowned there, I was right to take her out of the water and go back to our safe home where we wouldn't get hurt or sick. But she gets that glint in her eyes and that urgency in her voice and she tugs at my hand. She is my little girl. She will always be a part of my life.