Make Peace

Its almost 1am now. I'll be getting up early to drive to Lisa's house where I'll meet new little Henry Makepeace. Do I understand your question then, is it hopeless and forelorn? Its amazing to me how we can swing back and forth so many times in our lives from unbridled optimism to destitute failure. The smallest gesture of kindness in the right place at the right time can give me just enough energy to take another step, just one more breath. Like in birth, you don't have to think about how the baby will come out, the mountain that looms before you, you just have to keep breathing one breath at a time. I've been feeling very grateful to Pema Chodron lately for reminding me how the flare ups, the moments of desperate heart-armoring, are actually flags that mark a door. The door can be locked and double bolted and alarmed and barricaded, or it can just be opened. What is behind the door? Just a red beating heart, all bloody and soft and strong.

I don't need anyone else to share my interpretations of the last week. Our experiences and perspectives are all different. For myself, I feel incredibly blessed and confused, full of love with the wisdom and roots of grief. Unsure of the future but afloat on a vessel of truth and trust. This is ME, this is ME coming through. I can't control it and I don't want to. I also can't control how any other human being, friend or foe, responds to or interprets me, and I don't want to control that either. If I could have controlled it, I would never have been able to create the brilliant shining stars in my life or predicted how deeply you would influence me.